The Final Countdown

It is the eve before our departure and I, for one, am in full on freak out mode. My emotional status is in a consistent flux of being excited, and anxious, and tired, and scared, and depressed, and tired. Did I mention tired? So. So tired.

It’s a complicated mindset I find myself in whenever I end up in these situations. I crave adventure and new experiences while at the same time opposing and running away from them. I want to live a fulfilled, exciting, interesting life, but don’t want to leave the comfort of what I know and love. I’m sure a lot of people have these juxtapositions in their lives but I seem to find myself stuck in between them a lot.

I’m not exactly secretive about it, but it’s not common knowledge that I suffer from pretty severe anxiety. It’s most often brought out by extreme life changes, but it’s come about at random times as well. Anxiety is extremely debilitating and difficult to pinpoint when you don’t even realize you have it. It wasn’t until a few years ago I even knew I had anxiety, and longer still to realize there was medication I could take that would help me handle it. Looking back on certain times in my life, I can now stay with dead accuracy that my extreme emotional states were from panic attacks. They’re not fun, they’re not easy to deal with, and they’re even harder to explain to people. It’s almost impossible to be calmed down by rational thinking. It doesn’t matter if you’re “going to be ok” or “everything will be fine” or “why are you so stressed out right now?” All that matters is your body in a high intense fight or flight response and nothing (short of drugs. Thank god for drugs!!) can calm you down. I’m lucky in the sense that I don’t get it so bad that I have trouble leaving the house. But I DO get it bad enough that on the eve of moving to a new country I have a profound sense of NOT wanting to go.

Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t necessarily a true statement, because the idea of staying here and doing the same thing day in and day out that I’ve been doing the past year doesn’t appeal to me. But it’s true in the sense that my anxiety is a painful emotional and <em>physical</em> response. which has now been put into constant overdrive. And to be honest, I don’t want to deal with it anymore.

I will say I’m grateful in a lot of ways. It’s easier to handle than normal. I have my sister who knows my anxiety and is willing and able to calm me down and let me freak out when I need to. And I’ll be with her every step of the way which is so relaxing and easing. I’ve wanted to live in Europe since 2010 so I’m super stoked to go and experience a country that I’ve yet to see and always wanted to. And I know that should everything go to hell, or if I hate it, or if I figure out it’s not what I want, I know I can come back any time I want. That’s what a credit card is for after all.

I just hate packing. And I HATE traveling. And I hate leaving behind people I love. My family. Friends, relatives, parents, siblings, my kitty (UGH! MY HEART), the Bay Area theater community, the wine gals, the crew, the jamming buddies, Santa Cruz shenanigans, late night city exploits, karaoke nights, Disney days, brunches, and everything else. All my family. All people I Love. All I’m going to miss an INSANE amount. And you all better come visit.

Or at least be here when I get back.


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