“If your dreams don’t scare you, then you aren’t dreaming big enough.”
It’s been a long time since I last posted on this blog. As much as I would love to fill in every last detail from the past month I don’t think it even possible. What I can tell you are many of the ups and downs and in-betweens that will guide you through what it really means to move to foreign country. First I wish to mention the things that I have achieved in the last month.
I got a job.
Now, applying and interviewing for jobs is the same everywhere. The stress, the long hours, the unknown, the feeling like you might not be good enough. However, I found a job, and it is one that I think fits. I am now working in direct marketing as a sales distributor for internet. It’s both exciting and exhausting and mostly I get worried that I will never really be capable of doing it. However, I find myself enjoying my days out in the field talking to everyone from the young to the old. The rude and the kind. The people who laugh with their eyes and the people who forget to laugh most days. I enjoy working with a team of people from all over the world, with different stories, and different goals small and large. In some ways this job is perfect for me, because I spend all my time there (meaning I never get bored). In others it’s terrifying, because this could be the start of my career. I never imagined myself being able to find a definition for myself, or a career, or a place in the world so instantaneously, but if this job works out, who knows how far it will take me? How far I will pursue it? Rather then tell you exactly what I am doing I would rather let this story unravel, and in time reflect on this beginning phase, because there is so much to come.
I got an apartment.
That is to say, Annika and I found a home. It is perfect. Warm, inviting, beautiful, new and polished. Affordable and clean. I think Annika intends to post photos so I will give her a chance to do that. In the meantime I will say this: NEVER EVER TAKE A BED FOR GRANTED. After sleeping on a couch for a month the most incredible experience in the world was spending my first night in my own bed. I cried, I laughed, and slept (duh).
I got a goal.
This is probably the most important thing I’ve gained from moving away. The last year of my life was spent in a whirlwind of confusion and dissatisfaction. I got pushed down quite hard after the disappointing realization that a college degree wasn’t enough to secure a comfortable living. I learnt that bad choices can catch up with you in the worst way possible. I struggled with the ugly truth that everyone has to grow up, and many people move on from ‘The college days’ into a phase called ‘adulthood’. In the past year I struggled with these things and mostly the fact that I no longer new who I was anymore. I was no longer comforted by the college student label and was constantly being asked ‘what I wanted to do with my life’. I didn’t know, and to be fair I still don’t, but what I do have is a goal. I want to spend the next 6 months here working at the company I am currently employed in hopes of making a successful career out of it. Why? Because I am good at it. Why? Because in the deepest pocket of my heart I think this is what I am supposed to be doing with my life out here. Although it means I’ll be sacrificing all the free time I wanted to have for travel. I will be building the foundation of a successful and happy career. Trade-offs I guess.
Although there are many things I’ve gained out here in Scotland. There are many more things I’ve lost. From small to large. (For example that one time I lost my purse at a train station in Glasgow). But there’s more to it than just the material items.
I’ve lost all feeling that there is someone out there to catch me if I fall. Annika and I might have come here together, but we are still out here alone. Being alone is not an easy thing to be. It determines your strengths and weaknesses faster than anything else. I don’t want to give the impression that I regret moving. I just deeply miss the things I left behind. I ache to see the people I love most in the world. I want to squeeze the patience out of my beautiful kitty (Monroe). I’m not homesick. I’m not missing California, but I have a good feeling that if you are reading this, I miss you.
The feeling in my toes
Yes, this is true. It’s fucking cold out here. I stand all day in freezing temperatures in heels. You do the math.
I suppose this goes without saying. But moving away gives you the opportunity to recreate yourself. No one knows who you are or where you’ve been. No one knows what you’ve seen or the things you’ve done. You are a blank piece of paper waiting to fill in the story. I love it. I hate it. It makes you question how much of your person is shaped by the people you know. I am certain that the next time I see my family I will not be the same person I was the day I left. But who’s to say they will be either? That’s the beauty of adventure. You don’t know who you will be on the other side.
It’s been a long month and 3 weeks so far. It’s a much longer 6 months ahead. I love you and I miss you friends. Thanks for checking in.
One thought on “Things lost and found while living abroad:”
Wow! I am so touched by these thought provoking posts.
What an incredible adventure you two have embarked upon.
While we are among some of the most fortunate folks on earth,
who have the where-with-all to pursue such,
on so many levels,
Y’all have made the choice to embrace/create this opportunity.
Sending you total admiration/props for what you’re doing
and appreciate that your sharing these unfamiliar experiences with your family, friends, supporters…
More out there than you probably suspect.
You fearless (OK,– brave) girls make us proud,